0609: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.jpg

Rating: 1/10

Ah, the slow-paced 70s cinema combined with the fast pace of a slasher movie. Does it work? Only you can decide! Oh, and no it doesn’t. The first act especially you’ll be feeling, “Oh wow, so this is what it’s like riding in a car for a long time, I always wondered!” or asking questions like, “Wait, why didn’t they cut this out?” Drugs, the answer is lots and lots of drugs! This movie is a true horror! You’ll feel real terror as you watch another pointless scene that should have been cut! AH! This is all the parts of the movie that they cut out of other movies! AH! I see why it was edited out! I’m sorry! I’m sorry God! Please save me from watching the rest of this movie!

I guess that’s the point of slasher-horrors, make you hate the main characters so you’re happy when they die? Then again, when movies do stuff like this it makes it feel like a movie without any stakes. I don’t care about the characters and I don’t care when they die. I definitely don’t care about the villains because they have no actual personality, they usually just look cool in a mask, and most of them don’t even speak. But, considering that the main characters are the stupidest people ever, most people become attached to the villains in these movies than they do the actual “heroes” it’s not about the so called main characters anyway, you wanted to watch Hollywood make a fake snuff film and that’s exactly what you get. Myself, I prefer a movie with characters who are real people. That’s why Cabin in the Woods is so great, everyone is a real person throughout the movie, even though all the characters are also on drugs. Kind of like this movie but I don’t think the actors were actually on those drugs in Cabin in the Woods like I feel they are here.

The problem with this movie is it’s not bad enough. This needed to be more Evil Dead levels of bad and it just doesn’t cut it. Maybe if Sam Raimi made a remake? Oh wait, Rob Zombie already made a remake. Oh well… Anyway, because the movie isn’t nearly bad enough I don’t even get a fun, schlocky time with this one. Every scene is too long, every death doesn’t show enough to be interesting (seriously there’s more gore in the first Deadpool), and there’s something about watching this in the 21st century that just makes it really kinda dumb, I mean, chainsaws really aren’t that scary, Bruce Campbell has one for a hand I’m pretty sure. And his character in Evil Dead is likable, charming, smart, and handy (no pun intented) and fighting deadites has lots of stakes, and it’s tough, and it’s fun to watch. This is more: let’s see how much we can stretch out this barely-a-story until we get a franchise out of the whole thing. Wait….what!?

This movie should have been about this horrible family of Ed Geins right away as they are the only interesting part of this movie. The teenagers we follow are dumb and I hate them and I enjoy it when they die. I guess that’s a good thing but by how much they waste time on these uninteresting deaths it just makes most of the movie a chore to watch.

Why you should watch it before you die: I have definitely seen worse movies on this list. Just saying. I don’t think a good reason to watch a movie is “there are worse movies out there” though.

SCORING:

+1: A bad movie that should feel bad but it had a few scenes I enjoyed

-1: Horribly slow

-1: stupid plot, characters, story, and death scenes

+2: Okay third act, but only the third act

3 thoughts on “0609: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

  1. Look, before horror and sci-fi films became the top dogs in Hollywood, we had to live with films like TTCSM. Low budget but with marketing campaigns that made the film look like it was scarier than it was. Plus, so many conservatives telling us this stuff was bad for us and would lead to copy cat murders. Horror was kind of fun when it was underground and unaccepted by critics and main stream Hollywood. Now, this film is pure grind house, they don’t have the budget to be really gross and much is left off screen (which some would argue is better). The creepiness of the family makes up for the slow start and dumb moves of the characters. I’d give it a 7. Better than Last House on the Left. Wait for John Carpenter 4 years later.

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  2. One of my best friends loves this movie and we talked about it a lot after I wrote this review. It’s another I should re-review, I know, probably after experiencing more movies from the time period.

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