Box o’ Random Movies: American Pie: Beta House (Unrated Edition) (2007)

American Pie Beta House.jpg

Rating: 0/10

As for the title, yes I have a literal box of random movies that aren’t always things no one even knows about, like this movie, just mostly things that I’ve collected or have been given to me that I haven’t watched yet. Figured now that I got 100 movies down I’d start this as a mini-series or spinoff or whatever you’d call it for movie reviews. Anyway, enter the world of American Pie! Where everyone only cares about sex and nothing else! This movie starts with a Dad trying to get his son laid with horse noises and only goes downhill from there.

For some reason, all the male main characters in this movie seem to be in the Stifler Family, despite Sean William Scott not being in the movie at all. I guess someone somewhere thought they had to relate it to the main franchise somehow. Anyway, how to grade this movie? Is it a B-movie that fails so hard it’s fun just to watch the train wreck that it is? Or is it trying legitimately to be a movie with something to say or at least work as a sex-comedy?  I would say not really any of those. It feels more like some producer thought “I bet if we made a movie with boobs in every scene, it would make money! But we’d have to associate with some product like those National Lampoons. What do we own?” Then they saw American Pie sitting on a shelf and ran off to make this only-slightly-more-plot-than-a-soft-core-porno movie that it is.

So, this movie isn’t a B-movie, and it’s not enjoyable enough by how bad it is. It’s not a comedy, unless you think only going for the grossest “jokes” possible is funny. It’s not a satire of college either unless you went to porn college. This is basically just a male fantasy written out, like a teenage boy wrote it while also wondering what college must be like…in his pants.

Anyway, what constitutes as a plot is all over the place, the script makes no sense, the acting doesn’t make sense, the jokes aren’t funny. This is targeted at teenage boys who want to see some tits and no one else. Considering this came out when the internet existed, I’m guessing very few teenagers couldn’t see naked in other places.

Don’t watch it: Just don’t.

SCORING:

0: I can’t say I like anything about it. And it’s not bad enough to be enjoyable. This movie fails on all counts.

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